by Lori L. Tharps
Tonya Andrews, * 28, remembers being spanked a lot as a girl. Andrews’s father spanked his children for any infraction, ranging from being disrespectful to not eating their food, because that’s how things were handled when he was a child. “Spanking is too light a word,” clarifies Andrews, who lives in Brooklyn. “We called them whuppings. My brothers got hit with belts, twigs and branches off trees.”
Now the mother of an 18-month-old daughter, Andrews says she’s putting an end to the culture of corporal punishment in her family. “I think there are better ways to communicate with a child than putting your hands on them,” she says.
Many parents are following Andrews’s lead, believing there are better, safer and more effective methods of disciplining a child than hitting. Forty years ago, more than 90 percent of the population spanked their children. Surveys suggest that today only 50 to 65 percent of American parents say they administer spankings. To some experts, that number is still way too high. “Two thirds of children ages 3 to 5 are spanked three times a week,” says Ruth Beaglehole, director of the Center for Nonviolent Education and Parenting in Los Angeles. “That’s not acceptable for anybody.”
After decades of silence on the matter, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recently drafted a statement against spanking. In it the organization notes that spanking is “harmful emotionally to both parent and child, [and] it also interferes with the development of trust, a sense of security and effective communication.” Which is precisely why child psychologists, parenting advocates and social-service agents are waging a nationwide publicity campaign to discourage spanking.
Despite the current backlash against spanking, many African-American parents have trouble shaking the “if it was all right for me, it’s all right for my kids” philosophy. Howard C. Stevenson, Ph.D., coauthor of Stickin’ to, Watchin’ Over, and Gettin’ With: An African American Parent’s Guide to Discipline (Jossey-Bass), says Black people historically have used corporal punishment because there was and still is an unfair stigma attached to an active Black child. “We are often under pressure to limit the mobility of African-American children because it causes tension and anxiety in authority figures,” says Stevenson. Further, if we don’t discipline them ourselves, he says, most parents believe “the child will receive harsher punishment, not only from the law but also from teachers, coaches, authority figures and adults in general who don’t understand Black culture, history and life experiences.”
But Stevenson reminds us that as parents we have to get beyond those beliefs: “Remember the times when your own parents spanked you and it did not work.”
Why Spanking Doesn’t Work
Researchers such as Murray A. Straus, founder and codirector of the Family Research Lab at the University of New Hampshire, are tracking the negative long-term effects of corporal punishment, including low self-esteem, depression and a predisposition to violence. Here are more reasons why all parents should consider sparing the rod:
Spanking sends the wrong message. Most of the current research on spanking suggests that it’s an ineffective form of discipline. While it may curb inappropriate behavior in the short term, the long-term lessons are not about right and wrong, but rather about violence and fear. “What we are teaching a child when we spank her is that hitting is the solution when something doesn’t go her way,” explains Marilyn Benoit, M.D., president of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.
It sets a poor example. Children model their behavior on what they see people around them doing. If a child is being hit, it’s very likely that he will turn around and hit somebody else. The AAP confirms that spanking teaches kids that violent behavior is acceptable and powerful. And for adults, those same lessons are very difficult to unlearn.
It can go too far. If a parent is angry when she spanks her child, that punishment can possibly escalate into something dangerous, even deadly. “Venting one’s frustrations and anger on a child can produce an adrenaline rush or `high’ that can become habit-forming, if not addictive,” says Michael Popkin, Ph.D., the founder of Active Parenting Publishers and a former family therapist. Thanks in no small part to some high-profile cases, there’s a heightened awareness about child abuse in this country. Teachers and social-service agents are now mandated to call the authorities if they suspect a child is being abused at home. And children are only too quick to expose a parent who spanks them. “Kids are catching on that no one’s allowed to put their hands on them, even Mom and Dad,” says New York family counselor Hilary Johnson.
What Does Work
If spanking isn’t an option, what is an exasperated parent to do when a child acts out? The following suggestions can help:
Learn what to expect. Ruth Beaglehole says she believes that instead of hitting children, parents should be hitting the books. “Parents need to learn more about how children develop at each stage,” she explains. “If you don’t understand where your child is developmentally, you may be expecting behavior that is beyond her years.”
Involve your child in the process. Offer your child the choice of either stopping the inappropriate behavior or being removed from the situation. For example, if a child is coloring on the wall with a crayon, tell him he can either draw on paper or not draw at all. Allowing children to make choices helps them learn about decision-making.
Make the punishment fit the offense. “Consequences that are logically related to the behavior help teach children responsibility,” says Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children’s Behavior (Parenting Press). Children, older ones especially, should be expected to make amends for their mistakes. For example, if a child breaks a vase because she’s playing ball inside the house, you could make her do extra household chores to pay for the repair or replacement of the vase.
Give yourself a timeout. Beaglehole, who is the author of Mama, Listen! Raising a Child Without Violence, counsels and encourages parents to take a moment and a deep breath, to step back and allow themselves to calm down before they address a problem with a child. “Too often parents spank their children in a rage, which is when punishment can get ugly,” she explains. “Anger colors the situation, and we don’t see what the child really needs.” More than anything, Beaglehole concludes, children need to feel both loved and safe: “From there, anything is possible.”
* Name has been changed to protect subject’s identity, and models were used for illustrative purposes only.
Lori L. Tharps is a freelance writer living in Brooklyn. She is the coauthor, with Ayana Byrd, of Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America (St. Martin’s Press).
COPYRIGHT 2003 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group
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